A. N Villasante
BookEnd
YA Fantasy
I: The Farm
Chapter 1
It’s early, before
dawn but at the bakery everyone’s been up for hours. I stand where I always
stand, down the alley in back, opposite her window and out of sight. I want to
see her before she can see me, before I go in and buy the morning bread and a
cinnamon knot for Story. Story got another tooth last night and needs something
to gnaw on while I finish whittling her teething ring. But the bakery isn’t
open yet and I need to see Jane first, get over her loveliness before talking
to her. I don’t want to sound like a stunt-brained QR, or worse, like a little
kid.
Right on time,
Jane pushes the window out on its hinge and rests her chin on her hands. She
always looks up, never down to where I am. I think maybe she’s looking at the
last of the night stars as they fade, but she could just as easily be looking
at the early morning clouds, judging the weather.
Jane is smart. She knows things about the stars and
the
weather and the world that I don’t know. Though she’s the baker’s daughter
now, before she came to BookEnd she was something else.
Good opening. I'd add a line about who Story is. And didn't understand the part about stunt-brained QR but maybe I'm just not hip enough;)
ReplyDelete@jamie
ReplyDeletethanks for chiming in. I don't want to give too much away, yet and, no you don't get what a QR is because I've made it up. But it's important tot he story. In the main character's world - Fin - a QR and 'stunt-brained' is common parlance. Hopefully you'll want to read on and discover more!
Oh...this is so good. I don't care what a QR is -- I'll find out, I know. But the fact that he has to get over Jane's loveliness before he can face her is brillianwant. And he's kind, for getting Story something to gnaw on.
ReplyDeleteI can teel that this is a different world, with a compelling "real" character. What a wonderful start. I so want to read this!
err, "brilliant" not brillianwant -- although, that's not a bad made-up word.
ReplyDeletevery compelling - loved it.
ReplyDelete@ Amy - thanks for the positive feedback - I think I'll have to work 'brillianwant' into my WIP somehow. It's an awesome made up word!
ReplyDeleteI think you gave good info, so no worries about that. You NEED to pay attention to your punctuation. the very first sentence, 'It’s early, before dawn but at the bakery everyone’s been up for hours,' is made 1,000x more awkward without the comma before the 'but.' Hate to say it, but that will make it or break it for an agent.
ReplyDeleteYou hook me with your voice and descriptions, Magpie. And you've definitely compelled me to read on with the sentence "Though she’s the baker’s daughter now, before she came to BookEnd she was something else."
ReplyDelete@amber - I know! I suck at grammar and punctuation. My only excuse is that I went to art school ;) But I know that's NOT an excuse, so thanks for pointing it out.
ReplyDelete@michelle - thanks for the comments, I hope it hooks!
I really loved the voice! I think it's great that he has to see Jane and get over her loveliness before he can talk to her. I do think a quick introduction as to who Story is would be a nice addition, other than that, I don't have any other suggestions.
ReplyDeleteI love the immediate romantic element of this. I remember from your query what QR's are, so I was willing to go along for the ride. It was a soft lovey opening--I was hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great start! I would change the first sentence to just, "It’s before dawn but at the bakery everyone’s been up for hours."
ReplyDeleteI loved the small world building detail of him having to whittle the teething ring. It tells me a lot with a little.
Good luck!
Oooo, great last line! Totally makes me want to read on. Really love it.
ReplyDeleteA couple of punctuation inserts in the first paragraph:
It’s early, before dawn (comma) but at the bakery everyone’s been up for hours. I stand where I always stand,(remove comma, put colon) down the alley in back, opposite her window and out of sight. I want to see her before she can see me, before I go in and buy the morning bread and a cinnamon knot for Story. Story got another tooth last night and needs something to gnaw on while I finish whittling her teething ring. But the bakery isn’t open yet (comma) and I need to see Jane first, get over her loveliness before talking to her. I don’t want to sound like a stunt-brained QR, or worse, like a little kid.
Great hook!
I really like this, except ditto Amber on the comma in the first sentence. The rest is awesome!
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence definitely hooks me. Great start!
ReplyDeleteGreat start. I'm wanting to read on. Congrats on being a finalist. Good luck!!
ReplyDelete