How to get Your Groove Back after Rejection

I have joked (and been serious) before about what I have done when rejected by agents, publishers or critiques. The strategy is mostly about drinking. But, having just had a somewhat brutal rejection, I find myself in a familiar and utterly ugly place.

Doubtsville.

It's a hideous country, flat and with nary a comfort food in sight. I hate it here. I hate how squishy I feel, like a snail pulled out of its shell. I hate how my thoughts bounce around looking for something good to hang on to and finding nada.

I hate how corrosive this place is. How it seeps into my bones and amplifies the negative voice in my mind. I need to get the fudge out of Doubtsville. Now.

Directions Out of Doubtsville

Personal Tsunami
A very smart friend said to me that it's okay to feel bad. Don't minimize how crappy you feel just because people have it worse. It's okay to have a Personal Tsunami, something that feels devastating, even though it isn't. Let it feel like loss.

Perspective
Yes to tsunami, but only for a little while. There's a big difference in accepting feelings and wallowing in a vat o' self pity.


Horses
As in getting back on it. This is something I try to do too soon. As soon as the tsunami hits, I mean before the waters recede and I even know where I am, I'm googling things. Books, conferences, crit groups, blogs, answers, answers answers! I want the remedy before I'm ready for it. But there's a time for horses and getting back in saddles.

Nerves and Fear
I have a friend who is a writer and an opera singer. She helped my daughter over come some fears about singing in public. She said that when you have nerves, don't try to stifle them, instead shake hands with your nerves and say hello. Your nerves, if kept in their proper place, can help fuel you, make you better. And if you've said hello to your nerves, you can keep an eye on them. They can't sneak up on you.

Fear is not your friend. Fear is gripping and crippling and all the 'ippings' you can think of. It can stop you from writing or WORSE stop you from writing what you are really capable of.

EXIT
Get past these twists and turns and I believe you can get out of Doubtsville. I'm stuck somewhere on the corner of Nerves and Fear but I have a plan to get out. A simple plan. It's called "I NEVER GIVE UP."

D is for Derailed

It's a IWSG and A-Z Challenge Mash Up!
Today being the first Wednesday of the month it's Insecure Writer's Support Group and this post is also brought to you by the letter 'D'

DERAILMENT
I've been thinking about the things that derail my writing and I realize that there are some 'triggers' that lead to my going off track. I'm hoping that I can recognize these triggers ahead of time and maybe circumvent them. Though, of course, sometimes derailments just happen. The important thing is to just get back on track.

Here are the things that derail me:
Fights
I have fights with my children sometimes. Often, it's my fault, after all I'm the adult in the relationship and I should know better. But somehow I slip into a behavior that leads to frustration. Do I need to mention that this revolves eating and bedtime? Which is just before my writing time? By the time everyone is abed and I should be ready to write, I can't - or don't. I often need medicinal ice cream or whiskey (or both) I'm steaming and frustrated and huffing and puffing enough to blow a house down.
The only thing I've discovered to get through this is to go for a run. But then I'm exhausted. It's all too easy to let the writing slip off the radar.

Rejection
You know all the reasons why rejections should NEVER make you give up as a writer. Still, I can admit that getting a rejection makes it real hard to sit down and concentrate on the WIP. It's like the evil inner editor voice gets louder, "want proof that you suck? just happen to have a form rejection on a full request right here..."

Good News/Good feedback
Maybe this is just me, but sometimes when something good happens (I get a full request, someone at a conference likes my pitch, I get a really positive crit) it also derails me. I know that might be weird, but it makes me stop. Almost like I'm not sure how to react. Lethargy sets in and I think to myself, 'I'm doing gooooood." Thankfully, it doesn't last. The next derailment comes soon enough, jolting me into action. But it makes me wonder if that's what happens when a really popular author comes out with something substandard - is it this 'good news' derailment at work?

So, what derails you from writing? And how do you get back on track?


D is also for Drugstore

Cupcakes, Empanadas and the Last Full Request

Yesterday I made 26 strawberry cupcakes.
Today I am making 26 mini-empanadas. Do you see a trend? It's Eldest's eight birthday today and I brought in pink-confetti icing sugar bombs for the kiddies to enjoy. I hope their parents forgive me for the extra dose of red dye #40 I've injected into their diets. As for my kid, she comes by her wonderful kookiness naturally, no red dye required.

The empanadas are for tomorrow, International Snack day at school. Because public schools don't have enough things to do, they have to celebrate foreign snacks. I get it, I really do, it's part of cultural awareness. But I don't think a mini empanada is going to make a second grader belt out a rendition of Depeche Mode's People Are People, do you?




I'm griping. I'm kvetching. Because I'm nervous. Today I got an email from agent Barbara Poelle - a short note to say that my full ms is next in her queue and thanks for my patience. She's the nicest frigging agent on the planet, to let me know that the wait is almost over. But, of course, it means that I need to gird my loins. This is the last full request I have out on BookEnd.

Do I think I'm going to get rejected? Yes. I do, actually. Not because I don't believe in my work, not because I don't believe in myself. I think I'm a really good writer. My writerly ego has a tendency to look like a puffer fish. But still, I think I'm getting rejected, and I'm trying to get ready for that feeling.

Someone (sorry I can't remember who) commented a while back on a post of mine which was similarly not so positive that I should believe in the good outcome - even against the odds - believe in the positive as a way of projecting out positive vibes and then having them rebound back at you, like some gigantic cosmic, fuzzy-warm boomerang.

I am seriously in AWE of the person who can do that. HOW DO YOU DO IT? I can do it for other people. I can absolutely 100% believe positive things (or 6 impossible things) on behalf of someone else, but I can't do it for myself.

It feels like the worst kind of hubris to think positively of myself. It feels like I'm pinning a KICK ME sign on my own back and daring the writerly fates to have a go. Besides, if I'm wrong it's not like that will make me sad - I'll be psyched to be wrong, thank you very much. But if I'm right, I'm hoping that I'm prepared. That I've had time to get used to the idea and (when it happens) ameliorate some of the damage.

Am I wrong? Am I actually making things worse by being negative? What do you think?

Birthday Cake and March Madness

So, I got a really huge rejection today. Will talk more about this tomorrow on my Insecure Writers' Support Group post (because that's where whinging and sobbing and beating of chest belongs) but for now I'll just say, I'm flattened. I have tackled my pancaked ego in the following ways:

Ate the rest of my birthday cake. For breakfast.

Joined March Madness. Denise Jaden and other awesome authors are hosting this month long blogfest/challenge. It's simple, as all good ideas are. You set your goals for the month. You check in EVERY DAY. You become accountable to a group of people and make friends in the process. Also, you get to support each other. It's a win win. And it's the kick in the pantalones I need. What will you do this month to stave off the darkness?

Here are my goals for March:

1) To stop obsessively querying/tweaking and basically wasting time worrying about my finished ms. I need to concentrate on the new project and stop procrastinating with the last project.

2) To write faithfully, every day, at least 500 words, on the new wip.

3) To not be completely flattened and derailed by no answers and rejections for finished ms. It's what's been keeping me from concentrating on the new wip and it must stop.

4) To read and comment on at least 3 blogs a day.


What will you do this month to stave off the darkness?

Hope - Despair - Repeat

Not long ago, eldest daughter came to me with two Barbie coloring books. Unfortunately, she can read. I say unfortunately, because it makes it awkward for me to lie to her when she can read things for herself. I'm just saying, it was easier to say the bakery was closed before she could read that the sign says OPEN.

But I digress. Eldest read the sticker on the barbie coloring books. They said WIN and HOLLYWOOD! and CHANCE! and she begged me to get on the internet and enter her into their contest. The grand prize was a trip to Hollywood, a visit to Barbie's compound (or wherever the heck she dwells) and a one of a kind Barbie that you design. Eldest almost swooned and she wanted to go upstairs right away and figure out what she should wear to Hollywood. I sat her down, looked her in the eyes and explained to her why she doesn't have a snowball's chance in Hades of winning. I rattled off a mega-ton of zeros. I may have even said the word probability. I also told her that the fun part was entering and it wasn't about the winning. I basically told her a bunch of crap to try to get her to not be too excited. In my professional life, it's known as 'managing expectations.' I guess in the real world I guess it's called killing dreams softly. It's what parents sometimes do, because we can't bear the idea of our kids being hurt.

Wouldn't it be a great story if now I told you that, against all the odds, eldest won the Barbie prize? That the naysaying mommy was wrong and should have had faith, dust & pixie dust (sorry, wrong corporation)? It would have been awesome, but it didn't happen. Instead, when she found out she didn't win, she cried, loud and long, alarmingly and heartbreakingly - the way only kids seem to be able to do. I comforted and consoled her and soon she'd spent out her tears.

Now, a couple of months after, I wonder if she remembers the Barbie contest. I know that she still wants to enter every contest she hears about (LaLaLoopsy, anyone?) I also know that she still glazes over when I tell her the odds of her winning are not ever in her favor (heh, channeled a little Effie there.) She just continues to believe she can win. I wonder how long she can keep that belief up.

I've decided not to tell her about probability anymore. Mostly because I'm currently engaging in some magical thinking myself. I'm not even talking about the occasional Megamillions dollar I drop at the WaWa. Yes, I'm querying.

So far I've sent out eight. I've got two partials out and I've gotten four rejections. I know that's not much yet, and I know I don't have any choice but to keep trying or give up. The trick now is to figure out how eldest does it. How she cries bitter tears (I reserve the right to eat chocolate instead) then shakes it off and keeps going, her spirit undiminished. It's probably mostly up to the fact that she's seven.
I'm going to go find my inner seven year old.

How do you survive the query process?